The following was inspired by the news that time and money is being wasted examining the Las Vegas shooter’s brain.
In the year 2017, a scientific breakthrough was made in the aftermath of a tragedy. The Left and the Right were united when Science gifted them with the ability to identify neurological abnormalities and the genes responsible for them.
On the heels of this discovery, both houses of Congress and the President took swift action to address the epidemic of mass shootings. President Trump proudly signed into law legislation which enabled researchers to find the genes responsible for these neurological defects, dubbed the Devil’s Genes. Scientists proceeded to exhume the bodies of and examine the brains of several recent Mass shooters. When the Devil’s Genes were found in them, as well as the neurological markers denoting a severe predisposition to violence, more research was funded. Lead researcher on the project, Dr. Vivian Hammer, made a bold request that changed the course of human history. She proposed that the remains of early humans be tested as well. Guided by current anthropology, nearly one dozen of the early humans known as The Fight Club Neanderthals were found to have these jeans as well.
The Fight Club Neanderthals were given this named after extensive anthropological and forensic evidence showed that the 13 individuals had all suffered from fractures and other injuries consistent with repeated, brutal fighting. The crude weapons found in the facility that housed their bodies matched many of the injuries left on their bodies, which proved to the scientists studying them that these 10 men and 3 women had participated in dozens of violent encounters with each other before their deaths. While anthropologists have not been able to fully decipher the primitive pictograms in the structure, they are confident that the meaning is reverential. Those who interred the Fight Club Neanderthals respected them for their capacity for violence and made certain that others could appreciated even in death.
Beginning in 2019, Dr. Hammer was able to secure testing of living people to see if they also carried the Devil’s Genes. A sampling of DNA from violent criminals showed that nearly three-quarters of those who tested positive for these genes was convicted of more than one extremely violent act. Encouraged by the findings, more legislation was passed to further investigate what we now know as Hammer’s Alleles. The United States, plagued by so much violence and so many mass shootings, erupted in a debate over what could be done to protect the innocent from those with Hammer’s Alleles. On the other side of the debate, a bipartisan solution was seized upon for the safety and security of all.
The Hammer Act was passed with little opposition after a mass shooting at the CDC offices. The shooter posted several videos and text posts on an array of social media channels, claiming that he was fighting for all United States citizens to be free from compulsory Hammer Allele testing. A heroic off-duty officer shot and killed this man who was shown to have Hammer’s Alleles in his DNA, according to a post-mortem test.
Now we all enjoy a safer tomorrow thanks to the the All Lives Matter law, a Federal mandate requiring citizens to undergo testing for Hammer’s Alleles. Those who have them are restricted from passing on those genes by participating in a program where they can be compensated for forgoing children. As good citizens and good neighbors, these individuals can also opt into a program where their vital metadata is monitored. If there stress levels are too high, Safety Officers will intervene to assist them.
With any luck the rest of the world will follow America on its path towards peace. Though the United States has seen a decline in overall population as a result of reduced procreation, the benefits to the country at large have enriched the lives of all. Withholding The Bad Seed has spared the nation from tasting of its bitter fruit.